


4am from now on

by Zofcu



Series: How to deal with the grief of losing [2]
Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, bits of anger, small cameo from minseok as the wise hyung
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2021-02-26 18:40:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21793204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zofcu/pseuds/Zofcu
Summary: “It’s 4 AM and it hurts far too much to breatheI can’t believe you actually fucking died on meActually left meCan’t believe how alone in a crowded fucking room I feel”or; I am putting Kibum through the feelings I harbour.
Relationships: Kim Jonghyun/Kim Kibum | Key
Series: How to deal with the grief of losing [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1570468
Kudos: 21





	4am from now on

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know why or how I keep doing this to myself, but I needed to get these feelings out. The trigger warning is kinda obvious.  
> Please take care of yourselves especially today.

_It had been precisely two years._  
_Or one year, eleven months and 9 hours._

_18th of December, a sliver over 4 am._

* * *

Kibum woke up with a start. One glance outside could already tell him it was middle of the night and not the morning. He also knew _why_ he was awake. In fifteen hours, exactly two years ago he had lost the biggest part of his existence.

He sat on his bed his face buried on his hands and gritted his teeth to not make a sound - even a whimper could alert his fellow soldiers and that was the last thing he wanted. He needed to, however, get out and let the tears fall freely.

So, with a shuddering breath, Kibum rose from his bunk bed, took his jacket and scarf, and stepped outside.

_'Jonghyun would've liked the cold'_ , was the first thought that crossed Kibum's mind as he watched how his warm breath turned into mist when meeting the chilly air. Next thing the rapper knew, he was clenching his fist in his scarf and taking shuddering breaths. The small amount of air filling his lungs _hurt_. Like it was pure, unfiltered acid.

Kibum coughed.

The tears he had been able to keep at bay, started falling slowly. The overwhelming grief threatened to spill over.

“It’s 4 AM and it hurts far too much to breathe", he gritted out squeezing the scarf even tighter, feeling like it was suffocating him. The warm tears soaked his cheeks and dropped onto the scarf. The pressure inside his lungs seemed to tenfold. Suddenly everything felt too real, too close.

"I can’t believe you actually fucking died on me!"

The anger the rapper had been compressing for so long surfaced suddenly. The feelings he didn't want to feel; wasn't _allowed_ to feel. How _could_ he be angry at Jonghyun? How _dared_ he be? The other had been in so much pain he just hadn't been able to carry on.

 _'Wouldn't you know this?'_ Kibum's mind supplied unhelpfully and the rapper's hand automatically moved to the place where few white scars were hidden from the rest of the world. Only Jonghyun had known about those; only Jonghyun had touched them, kissed them; made him feel like worth something.

"Actually left me.."

And Kibum hadn't been able to do the same thing for him; hadn't been able to make his boyfriend feel worth something when he was worth _everything_. Every single thing in the world.

The grief mixed with anger. Kibum didn't know what to do with these feelings. His therapist had told him to accept all feelings that came with the loss; not only the grief and sadness. _'Anger is important too'_ , she had told him. The rapper scoffed and sniffed as he suppressed a bittersweet laugh.

The silver band around Kibum's ring finger felt suddenly ten times heavier. It was the only thing he had refused to take off, because he couldn't bear the thought of losing, or someone stealing, it. The simple silver band was the only concrete thing left of the love of his life.

"Can’t believe how alone in a crowded fucking room I feel”, Kibum let his quiet sobs grow into full-blown cry as he collapsed on the ground. The quietly falling snowflakes felt heavy; not like the almost weightless blanket they usually provided in the quietness of the night.

In the midst of it all; the crying, the way Kibum couldn't get out inside his head, he didn't notice the door behind him quietly opening and closing. His hyung, Minseok, had stepped outside. The older had woken up after hearing the door close quietly and almost immediately knew who it was and why. However, Minseok had decided to give the younger a bit time alone at first, so he hadn't followed him outside right away.

Ten minutes.

Twenty minutes.

Thirty minutes.

And then Minseok had decided it was better to go check on Kibum.

The actual blanket the older set down on Kibum's shoulders, was only a bit heavier than the feeling of the snowflakes, but it made the younger's crying halt. He turned around slowly as Minseok sat down beside him and hugged him close. Despite Minseok being smaller than Kibum, at that moment the taller one seemed so much smaller; fragile even. Seeing the rapper like this pained the older more than he could ever tell.

"I miss him hyung, I miss him so much I feel like this pain will be the end of me", Kibum sobbed as he leaned closer to Minseok's chest.

"He misses you too, I can tell", Minseok whispered softly as he caressed his fingers through Kibum's soft, short hair.

"But he wouldn't want you to be sad; he would want you to make the best of your life"

Kibum hiccuped.

"And when the time comes, you will meet again".


End file.
